My Wife is a CA - Article by Asher Noor (something I wrote way back in 1997 for the ICAP Magazine as a trainee student):
When I told my mom that I wanted a professional woman as my wife, she got me one; a Chartered Accountant. She works in an audit firm as its only female partner. Everybody calls her a partner, which leaves me seething with fury. She is supposed to be My partner only, and not everybody’s partner.
I am man of temperate moods, but I do have my wild swings. One thing thatreally bugs me about my wife is her habit of referencing. It really makes be blow the top when she starts referencing food while refrigerating it. By the way, she uses LIFO method while taking out the refrigerated food.
Now I have stopped bringing my office work home. The reason is that one-day I awoke to find all sorts of irrational scratches in ink on my feasibility report project and ten pages list of queries to sole, lying smugly besides it. She thinks I am no good at figure work. Fine with me, for now she handles the budget of the house. Initially she used to send me a bill at month end, but when I told her that I am not her client but her husband she asks for the money in advance. The expenses had been rising steadily over the months, so one day I snooped into the paper maintained in a current file. No wonder! She was charging conveyance and overtime to the house budget. She is crazy, I tell her and she corrects me. No my darling, I am auditor. I fail to see the difference.
Every scrap of the paper in our house is filed. She tells me as per some Ordinance she must keep a copy of every thing for at least ten years before destroying it. I am worried. Does the law apply to husband too? When we go for shopping she never leaves home without her HL-122. At the shop she hates to pay in cash and always ask for any lease terms available. The other day we had an hour-long fight. Later, I got to know that she had charged that hour to a client of her in my time sheet, that I am supposed to make, she charged that to unoccupied. The fight was about the year. She wanted to change the year-end of our house to match the fiscal year of the government.
She says that she says that she loves me and I tell her that I love her too. However, she never believes me. She says that there is susceptibility of my statement to being a misstatement. I say, duh! She wants my representation on this and I tell her that I am going to jump off Habib Bank Plaza, if she won’t shut up. She says that her office is on a minute’s drive from the EH. Darling! Do you mind doing the stunt during the lunch or 5:30 rush hour, please?
Once she brought some colleague of hers and I was shocked to see that the colleague had access to our bills and other financial details. I was calmed by my wife who told me that it was merely an external audit her colleague here was namely to give his opinion. After that the two of them got down to counting our assets in the house. Last I heard, before I passed out, was the word ‘Stock-take’ whether that means.
Last year our house accounts got a qualified opinion for not calling in three quotations for my personal purchases and to compound the mistake I had not kept the supporting etc. of my purchases.
Not a long time back my brother’s wedding was to be solemnized. Wedding cards had been sent. After some time I started receiving some curious steady trickle of letters. I was puzzled until my wife was explained that external evidence was more reliable. She had called for confirmations from all those to whom cards were sent. When she cooks, my wife at times does not go by recipe. Where the recipe says add half-teaspoon vinegar, or one tsp black salt or one teacup of water, she ignores them. She says that they are not material when taken in context of whole meal being prepared.
What control do I really have in this house? She has segregated every job in the house to prevent words starting with C. Now I boil the water for tea. She brings in the mug. I pour the tea. We both take tea and I clean the mugs and all. She tells me in this way the control risk in minimized. Sure Sure. Whatever she says.
She is crazy, I tell you. Surprisingly every body calls her an auditor, instead. I checked the dictionary and I did not state that auditor is a synonym for crazy. The dictionary must be outdated. When we got married, she had given me an Engagement Letter and I Had said how cute-how sweet. Now she gives it to me every year saying that her standards state that it must be sent a new if there is any indication that I misunderstand the objective and scope of engagement. Huh!
All I have done was ask her, if she was still interested in the marriage or else. Apart from sending me the engagement letter once again she tells. I can’t get rid off her just like that. She says that she has the right of being heard before I appointed some one else. I fear she is contemplating callying a meeting. The only hint I got was that I had only 21 days and that I must keep reading one Urdu and English newspaper published and circulated in the vicinity of our house for more details. I have decided to have a chitchat with her.
I told her, “you are crazy” and she said, “I know darling for I was crazy enough to try juggling my CA with my house.” I am happily shocked. She continues, “Darling! I am thinking of affiliating with you. What do you say?” “What I have to say?” I tell her that I am ecstatic and let’s let bygones by bygones. She heaved a sigh of relief and said, “Phew! For a minute, I thought that we had jeopardized our Going Concern status.” Duh! I say.